


alone together

by Donrex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Its gonna have the sweetest cheesiest ending wait and see, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, sorry just getting the bad stuff out of the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:44:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donrex/pseuds/Donrex
Summary: "Loneliness was a feeling Connor knew too well, but as they looked at Evan, sitting there, looking small, only one signature on his cast- Connor's signature- they could see how lonely Evan was, as well.Maybe they could be a little less lonely. Or, at least, they could be alone together. It definitely sounded like improvement."Alright." They said."Connor's suicide attempt fails. this is how i make dem bois less lonely and broken by... yaknow... falling in love...





	1. the beginning of a friendship...?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments!!! Is what keeps me going!!! (Not only writing wise im starving for some validation)

No one could melt Connor Murphy's icy heart. At least, that was what everyone thought. That was what Connor thought, as well. They were, apparently, very wrong.

It was still warm outside. School, as senior year goes, was already a huge pain in Connors ass. They were wondering why were they still there. Then, after reminding themself they tried to stop being, forever, they couldn’t help but wonder even harder why were they there.

It was a few weeks ago when Connor tried to take their own life. It didn’t work. (Clearly)

They spent their time after the very disappointing try at a hospital, with Zoe. Connor is already 18, and Zoe was their emergency contact, and so their parents had no idea any of it ever happened.

She was the one who found them, blood and tears and half passed out, and for a moment, through the pain, they hoped she was considering leaving them to die.

But she wasn’t.

She took them to the hospital, ignoring their screams and pleads to just "let it be over with!" and later, in the hospital, to "not tell anyone about this."

And she promised.

It was the worst circumstances to bond over, but something in their relationship changed. They would never take each other for granted again.

The days after were spent in their room, smoking their feelings away and avoiding their parents- with Zoe's help- until they became more, even if not enough, emotionally stable.

And now here they were, back at the hell hole, for some reason. It was the first time in days they weren’t high, and doing their best not to be too pissed about it.

And when they found their feet leading them to the computer lab, they remembered the stupid letter they stole from this guy, what's his name? Elen Handson? It was still in the pocket of the jeans they wore that day. The pants they wore when they tried to end it.

And like a twisted kind of a fate, there he was. Speaking of the devil, huh?

He was sitting in front of a computer, typing again. He didn’t even notice that Connor walked in. and so, Connor did what every other teen would do. They stepped behind him and peeped into his computer.

"Dear Evan Hansen," it wrote. Right, thought Connor, that’s his name.

"Today is going to be a good day, or, so I've been told. It doesn’t feel too great. I'm very tired of life, and Dr. Sharman says it's supposed to get better, but on days like this, I would honestly rather to go and find an even higher tree then the one I climbed last time and-"

"Connor?" startled Evan, snapping Connors attention away from the letter.

"Writing another one of your creepy letters, aren’t you?" asked Connor, backing away and watching carefully the way Evan deleted everything pessimistic he wrote and replaced it with some cheesy cheer up bullshit Evan himself didn’t seem to believe. They stayed in place as Evan, looking like a caged animal, got up and walked to the printer under Connor's heavy stare.

"I'm so sorry about that letter, Connor, I swear- I swear I didn’t mean for you to- to find it. Its-" he stopped to consider Connor with a scared expression. The printer finished printing and before it could even beep, the letter was already in Evan's hands. "It's-" he shoved the letter carelessly into his bag, using the motion as an excuse to not look at Connor. "It's from my therapist. P-pep talks. I'm not very- uh- I'm not very good at them, I'm sorry you had to- to see this and- and- and you didn’t show up so I couldn’t explain- I'm s-sorry Connor." Evan looked terrified. He was scratching his cast, and a quick experienced look from Connor at Evan's other arm told them he didn’t pick that habit after he broke his arm.

They shrugged, dropping their bag to the floor. "Whatever, Hansen. I don’t give a fuck. Just don’t write shit about my sister." They said, sitting down.

"S-sorry. I'm really sorry, Connor." repeated Evan, something Connor usually found extremely irritating.

The silence stretched. Connor expected Evan to flee, since he was shaking like a leaf, and no one wants to stay alone in the same room as Connor for too long.

But Evan stayed.

"Sorry, uh-" he said again, putting his bag next to Connor's and sitting down two chairs away from Connor, giving them space. "Well- u-uh… w-well I-you didn’t show up- for a long time, uh… and…" Evan was looking very nervous; he was fidgeting and scratching his cast again, looking at anywhere but Connor.

Connor crossed their arms, but waited patiently.

"I knew I upset you, and- uh- you looked upset already, and then you didn’t show up and I- I was-" he looked at Connor, but not at their face. He was staring at their crossed arms, which were covered by a long black sweater, even though it was still hot outside. He scratched his cast even harder, and it made a faint sound. "I was worried." He finished quietly.

Connor looked at him, surprised. They just didn’t understand. "Were you scared you killed me?" they asked, sounding mocking and harsh. Evan flinched.

"S-sorry! I didn’t mean to make it sound like that! Oh, god, I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed, sounding ever so distressed.

Honestly, Connor has no idea why was this conversation still happening. They tried getting up, but that seemed to stress Evan even more.

"I- I wanted to ask you-" he calls out, stopping Connor. They sat back again.

"What." It comes out cold, but Connor has to admit they are curious about what such a scaredy-cat like Evan has to say that is so important he has to spit out.

Evan opens his mouth, but no sound comes out.

Connor quirks an eyebrow at him.

He closes his mouth. His eyes drat all over the room, and pause on Connors arms. He starts rubbing his cast subconsciously, and swallows.

Connor is about to get up again when Evan finally finds enough courage to speak up.

"Let's be friends." He chocks out.

He sure is full of surprises, Connor thinks, but continue to stare blankly at Evan. Not that they could respond, even if they wanted to.

"I mean! When you signed my cast you said you- we can pretend we have friends, and that was very nice! And I thought- I thought… we could- we could- sorry!" he shut himself up, holding a hand over his mouth to stop it from moving, and Connor, despite everything, found it just a little bit endearing. Not that Evan was supposed to know that.

They were both quiet for a moment.

Evan waited nervously for a response, still looking at Connor's arms. Connor could have sworn Evan could see the red and terribly itchy scars under both the bend aids and the sweater sleeves.

They tried finding pity on Evan's face, because surely no one would want to be friends with someone like them for something they said casually a week ago. It had to be pity. He probably felt responsible for Connor's disappearance. It made sense. That must be it.

only… Evan didn’t look even slightly pitying. He was waiting silently for Connor's answer, radiating nervous anticipation, not daring to look too hopeful.

Another moment passed in silence. Evan started scratching his cast again, and the sound filled the room. Then, Connor broke the silence.

"Why?" they asked. It was more desperate then they would’ve liked.

Evan looked at them with an embarrassed kind of an expression.

"I just felt like we- uh- I don’t- I don’t know anything about you, of-of course. I wouldn’t- I wouldn't want to assume a-anything… I just- I just felt like if- if it was the two of us… we could be a little less alone."

Loneliness was a feeling Connor knew too well, but as they looked at Evan, sitting there, looking small, only one signature on his cast- Connor's signature- they could see how lonely Evan was, as well.

Maybe they could be a little less lonely. Or, at least, they could be alone together. It definitely sounded like improvement.

"Alright." They said.

Evan looked surprised, as if he didn’t expect Connor to actually want to be his friend. Then, a smile spared on his face. "W-wow, I- t-that’s, really nice of you, Connor." He said.

Connor felt like they should’ve pointed out that friends don’t thank each other for being friends, but decided against it, since they never had friends before, and maybe they do.

"Well? What does this new status include? I already signed your cast." Connor asked instead. Evan looked slightly confused, like he didn’t plan to get this far.

Maybe he was just shaken by the fact that Connor just made a joke.

"We can- uh- you- I can give you my number? And-and we could- uh, we could hang out?" Evan suggested, still looking like he expected Connor to walk out and slam the door in his face any second, even while he was filling his number into Connor's phone. He handed it back with slightly sweaty and shaky hands, which Connor ignored, since their own hands also shook most of the time.

The ball rang. They looked at each other for a second, before Evan looked away.

"I'll see you around, then." Said Connor, keeping their voice monotone.

"Yes! B-bye, Connor!" Evan said, picking up his bag and heading for the door.

Connor stayed behind. "Bye, Hansen."


	2. ice cream!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jared makes an entrance!  
> is this... wrong fandom? oh shit. i'm so sorry. uhhh moving on!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should warn that Jared and Evan misgender Connor in this chapter but its because they aren't aware of their correct pronouns! they will use it as soon as Connor tells them.

"You did _what?"_ asked Jared, slamming his locker shut.

"It's not- it's not a big deal," said Evan, clearly buzzing with quiet nervousness. He was looking at his phone every few minutes, as if waiting for something. It was clearly a big deal for him.

And it was a big deal for Jared, too. Evan was, not that Jared was ever going to admit it, his only friend, and even though it sounds horrible, Jared can't have Evan walking around _choosing_ new friends, because, well, when would he have time for Jared? Obviously Evan would want to hang out with friends he made more then with forced friends, like himself. 

"Why _him_ though?" asked Jared, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"Why _not_?" asked Evan, sounding defensive. 

Jared dropped it, knowing too well this was not the time to pick a fight. 

"What are you waiting for?" he asked instead. 

Evan flashed him a nervous smile. "I g-gave him my number. He should- he's supposed to text me so I can save his as well." Evan said, before worry takes over, and he looks down at his phone again. "What if he won't, though? What if he d-doesn’t even want to hang out with me? Was it- was it a good idea to give him all the power? He probably- probably isn’t e-even planning to call and-" he stopped as the phone in his hand buzzed

**< Unknown>: Hansen?**

**< Unknown>: I fucking hope this isn’t a fake number**

"It's him!" said Evan, practically vibrating. Jared poked his head to look as Evan typed back

**Evan: Connor?**

**Evan: hi!**

"Wait- I'm saving him," Evan said, already opening a new contact 

"Don’t give him a-" he gave him a smiley face "for fuck sake Evan."

**Connor:): oh**

**Connor:): hey**

"Should I say anything else?" asked Evan, thumb hovering over the keyboard.

"I mean, probably." shrugged Jared, watching as Evan types and deletes everything over and over again.

"What should I say?!" Evan stops typing, and looks over to Jared with large puppy eyes. Jared sighs.

"Give me that." 

**Evan: do you want to go grab ice cream after school?**

**Evan: Jared is my ride so he might tag along**

"You're inviting yourself?" asks Evan. Jared shrugs. "I thought you hate Connor?" he adds on. Jared shrugs again and looks at Evan's phone

**Connor:): I guess.**

**Connor:): who's Jared?**

"Are you kidding me?" murmured Jared.

**Evan: Jared Kleinman?**

They waited a bit

**Connor:): Kleinman?**

**Connor:): short? Glasses? Kind of an asshole?**

"I'll show you asshole you little-" 

"Nope." Evan plucks his phone from Jared's hands and deletes Jared's half written answer.

**Evan: he has his own charm**

**Evan: but yes**

"Hey!" Jared tries taking the phone again but Evan put it in his pocket.

"Come on Jared, class is starting." Evan says instead, leading them both to the classroom. Jared huffs but let it go as they sit down and get ready for class.

Halfway through the class, Jared can see Evan is texting again, but he swallows his jealousy and focuses on the teacher.

~~~

It is the end of school. Jared walked off to get his car, and Evan can see Connor walking out of school with his sister, Zoe. He catches Evan's eyes and points at him, pulling Zoe's attention to him as well. He awkwardly waves them both. She nods and starts walking to her car. Connor comes toward Evan.

"Why ice cream?" he asks as he stops in front of Evan, as if they never stopped having a conversation. 

"Uhh… it was Jared's idea." Evan says, looking at the parking lot, looking for Jared's car.

"Did he want it to be a public place because he was scared I'll kill you?" Connor says. Evan wonders if this is just what Connor's humor sense is like.

"I don’t- I don’t think so? I don’t think this was- uh- something he was taking into consideration. You can- you can ask him, though." He turns to look at Connor. "Were you- uh- were you planning to k-kill us?" he asks, hoping it sounds like he's joking. 

Connor snorts darkly, but says nothing. They wait in silence until Jared pulls in front of them.

"Hello, Murphy, I heard you're into being human now?" he says in a sarcastic voice after Evan gets into the shotgun and Connor gets in the back. Evan is about to scold Jared when Connor replies. 

"You say that as if you are one?" he retorts. 

To both Evan's and Connor's surprise, Jared laughs.

"Fair enough." He says. He has a small smirk on his face for the rest of the ride. 

The ice cream shop is a little far, but not enough for Evan too get used to the presence of both Connor and Jared. They both have such different personalities, Evan feels a little crushed in between them.

In the ice cream shop, Connor prefers not to get involved in the conversation, instead letting Evan and Jared casually chat, while examining them. Evan feels extremely conscious as he forces himself to stop biting his nails and put his arms by his sides over and over again, but Connor nor Jared comment about it. Connor joins in from time to times, if they happened to talk about a topic he was keen on, or just to make sarcastic comments, but Evan appreciates the subtle ways he tries to be there with them, even if he isn’t comfortable enough to join the conversation completely. 

"…and that is why aliens are real." Concluded Jared. He took a winning bite from his ice cream, as if to make it official. Connor looked like there are a lot of questions running through his head, but did nothing except staring at Jared blankly. Evan gave him an apologetic smile. 

"Uh- I guess I'll just- uh- take your- take your word for it, J-Jared." Said Evan, pulling out money from his pockets. "How much w-uh- was it?" he asks, referring to the three ice creams. Jared holds his ice cream closer to him in defense.

"Hell no! Not again, Evan! You're not paying for us, we're all practically adults, and I can definitely afford more ice creams then you." Jared says, pulling out a wallet. 

"Jared, please! It's- it's on me!" Evan insists. 

Connor looks at them bickering for a second, before standing up and waking to the counter. They both look in silence as he pays the cashier, whom in return gives him a change and some paper, which he throws away as soon as she turns around. 

He comes back and picks up his bag. 

"I paid for all of us. Let's go." He says firmly. 

They exchange a look before following him out. They all pile into the car, but Jared doesn’t turn on the engine. Instead, he turns around to look at Connor. 

"The fuck you want?" he asks rudely.

"Thanks for paying, I guess." Jared said, sounding more confused than grateful. Connor shrugs. 

"I can afford three ice creams, and you were both making a scene." He says. It is very clear the conversation is over, yet Jared keeps looking at him. 

"Did that cashier gave you her number?" he asks, only to be hit on the arm by Evan. 

"Yeah, she did" Connor says.

"Did you throw it away?" 

"Jared!" Evan exclaims, but before he can add, Connor interrupts. 

"Yeah, I did." And that was it.

Jared stared for a couple more seconds, then turned back around and started the engine.

The ride back was not silent, mostly due to Evan, whom was stress rambling about the good time he's had, and about how nice the song they're listening to is, and then about the fact that he likes Connors hair, and then about how sorry he is for actually saying that out loud. 

Both Jared and Connor were listening intensely to every word, while wearing the same bored expression, to not let the other two think they care.

"I really did enjoy this, t-though! Having friends is exciting, is-isn’t it? Not- not that I didn’t know that before- uhhh- o-okay I might- I might not have but w-wow! Isn’t it weird? Having other people listening to you and- and sharing their opinions about a-a-a collective common interest? Did- did I make it sound weird?" Evan then started to scratch his cast to make himself stop talking, and stared out the window.

Jared caught Connor's gaze in the mirror and they shared a knowing look, which made them both feel weird, so they both turned away, too.

Jared looked on ahead, and then groaned. "Look at this fucking traffic. We're going to stay here for _ever_!" he said, pointing to the road in front of them. 

"Something must've happened," said Evan in worry, trying to look for any crash or ambulances. Connor looked out of his own window, but he looked like he was in deep thought.

It has been 10 minutes. 15. 20. Evan and Jared were talking about possible accidents that could’ve happened, only to slip into possible ways to stay alive after the zombie apocalypse would start.

"Obviously I'd would want a long range weapon, like a rifle," says Jared. 

Evan shakes his head. "T-the moment they get t-too close, you're a gon-goner," Then he stops, probably imagining something terrifying. 

"It's better to never get this close in first place! Connor's probably on my side, right Connor?" Jared asks, turning to look at Connor.

"No, he's- he's probably o-on my side! B-because it’s the side that makes- that makes more sense!" says Evan, turning to look at Connor as well.

Connor was following their conversation, but had a weird expression on his face. Noticing them looking at him, he spoke up. 

"Well, if we're gonna keep hanging out, like today, then I better just put it out there," he says, way too serious for them to think he is talking about their hypothetical apocalypse. 

It isn’t what they expected, really, but they immediately adjust. Evan nods as a way to encourage him to carry on, and Jared quirks an eyebrow curiously. 

"I know you're going to gossip all about me when I get off, so whatever, anyway," he says, but doesn’t let them respond before he adds "my pronouns is they." 

There's a short pause as they both take in the news. Connor does their best to look as though they aren’t affected by the other two's reactions, but only after the silence is over they could actually breath again. 

"Oh, well-" Jared said with a neutral expression, but was cut off by Evan.

"Connor I'm so sorry I didn’t know that- I know how awful it is when people use the wrong pronouns- and I said it wrong all day- oh no- I'm-I'm really sorry- thanks for telling us that’s-that’s really nice but- uhh- yes- no- I'm sorry for- uh- not knowing- I guess- uh-" 

It took Evan a second to calm himself down, and just around then, the traffic started picking up the pace again. 

"Oh thank god!" called Jared, looking back at the road and giving a sigh of relief.

They didn’t talk again until a few minutes later. 

"I won't do either of these." Said Connor. Jared looked at them from his mirror. "I'd let them kill me." They added.

"Oh- um," said Evan, concerned. 

"That’s some really bad surviving instincts you've got there," said Jared.

"Thanks! It's called depression." Retorts Connor.

"Well, if-if we happened to be-to be at the same place when the apocalypse happens," says Evan, "I'd do my best to keep-to keep you alive as long as I can."

"Why?" asked Connor. Evan shrugged. 

"I wouldn’t want to-to leave you behind," he says, "I think."

Connor gave out a laugh. It was short, and a little dark, but a laugh nonetheless. It made Evan feel accomplished.

"Say, Kleinman, _did_ you suggest a public place because you were scared I'll kill you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at first i thought "lets have a weekly schedule and post regularly" but i'm a ghost of a human with zero patience and the whole fic is already complete so fuck it.
> 
> comments are appreciated which is my way to say i check my inbox every morning please make my day and say something (XuX)


	3. cloud gazing is hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's me throwing even more personal traits on poor poor Connor ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It was about a week since. Connor didn’t talk to Evan nor Jared a lot during that week, trying to wrap their mind around not having to brood alone in corners anymore, which resolved in them, yet again, brooding in corners. It was for very different reasons, though; Apparently, Connor was… a little unprepared for what having friends included. It was a lot of social interaction to take in, and as unhealthy a coping mechanisms go, they had to shut everything out for a while, or the very surprising fact that other people wanted to be around them would become too much.

But they were definitely not as angsty as always, so that was a plus. Jared managed to get his hands on Connor's phone number, and after realizing Connor is not going to answer any time soon, started instead sending memes, and cat videos, and stupid things like 'the hieroglyphs were a comic format and that makes pharaohs the biggest fucking nerds for having comics in their graves' and sometimes, even though they really wished he didn’t, 'did u notice ancient Egyptians worshiped animal gods with human traits?' 

'Wait, were ancient Egyptians furries?!'

'Do u think they INVANTED being a furry?' 

Evan, on the other hand, was keeping it awfully quiet. He tried texting once, but since Connor hasn’t answered, he preferred letting Connor decide when was the time they were ready to talk   
again. 

It was lunchtime, and Evan and Jared were eating outside the grey building. It was still- even though less and less each passing day- warm outside. Evan pointed at a tree, its leaves yellowing, though yet to fall down, when Connor sits down next to them.

They stop their conversation and watch Connor silently as they start nibbling on a sandwich, staring at the tree Evan was pointing to a second ago.

"Oh! Uh- hey Connor," says Evan eventually. Connor spares him a look before staring at the tree again.

"Hello Evan." They reply.

"You- uh- how-how are you feeling?" he adds after a second. Connor shrugs.

"You didn’t reply to my massages, asshole." Jared says, laying down on the grass and looking at the sky. The movement attracts Connor's eye, but they just shrug again.

"I would appreciate if you stopped sending me your random shitty thoughts in the middle of the night." They said monotonically. Jared smirks.

"So you read all of them?" he asks, then, motions for Evan to follow his lead. Evan lies down as well, and there is silence for a while, as they all stare at different things, deep in thought.

"Did- uh- did I do something? I mean- uh- why did you…" Evan stumbles around his words for a second, and then quiets down. He seems to replay his sentence in his head a few times, before, more carefully this time, he asks, "was there a reason you didn’t answer? Uh- I mean- you don’t have to answer, of course, I'm not- obviously it's probably none of our business I just- uhh- I just wondered if I could- if it was something that I did is- is there anything I did wrong- um…" he starts scratching his cast again. 

Connor wanders if anyone else noticed how self-destructive this nervous tick was already, but instead of commenting about it, they nudged their almost completely whole sandwich aside, and put their hands in the sweatshirt pockets. They shook their head slowly. 

"Don’t worry about it. My fuck up, not yours." They say. It looks as though there is more left unsaid, but whatever it is, they kept to themself. 

A moment of silence passed. Connor sighed.

"I can make it up to you. Do you want to do something? Is tomorrow good?" they asked. 

They watch as Jared and Evan look at each other.

"Evan invited me over tomorrow, to do homework." Jared says. Connor nods, but doesn’t answer. 

"Y-you can join us! If-if you'd like! We're going to- uh- do homework and then maybe, uh, maybe watch a movie, if you want t-to come. You don’t have to!" Evan says. 

Connor tries scanning Jared's face. They wondered if it was a thing they always to do. If Connor's intruding this tradition between them. But Jared doesn’t look like he's upset by Connor butting into his and Evan's plans, and Evan is smiling at them, and is obviously trying hard to be as welcoming as he possibly can.

"I… sure, okay." They say. Jared gives them a small smile (feels more like an automatic response more than anything, really,) and then looks back up at the sky.

"Lay back, Murphy. You're missing on all that cloud action." He says. Evan looks up at the sky, too.

Connor contemplates for a moment, before lying down next to them and looking at the sky. 

"There you go!" calls Jared, before lifting his hand and pointing at a random cloud. "That’s a dinosaur," He says.

"I think- uh- I'm pretty sure that’s-that's a chicken." Evan says.

"It looks like a cloud." Points out Connor.

"I mean, it is a cloud, Murphy. You're supposed to use your imagination." Jared retorts sarcastically. "Alright, well, that one looks like a crab." He says, pointing at a different cloud. This time Evan nods. 

"I can- I can totally see that one!"

"And that one is a boat!"

"w-what? No! Its- that’s a creepy mask."

They won't say it out loud, because they don’t think Evan and Jared would appreciate it, but all these clouds just reminded Connor of smoke. It reminded them of the cigarette they stole from their mom that one time; just to know what she was so obsessed about. It reminded them of going to random alleys and deserted streets, hoping some high person would offer them a drug. It reminded them of a few weeks ago, locked alone in their room, smoking until there wasn’t any breathable air, hoping, even while only half aware of their surroundings, to suffocate. 

"Connor?" asked Jared. Connor turned to look at him. 

"Hm?" They saw the sky again. It was blue. When did it stop being blue in first place? "That one looks like a sheep." They said lamely, pointing at a random cloud. Evan sat up, but didn’t dare getting into Connor's personal space. 

"You- uh- you spaced out, for a second- uh- I think." He said. 

Jared sat up as well. "Are you… okay?" he asked. Connor rolled their eyes, but stayed silent. "For the protocol, you aren’t allowed to say sheep, all clouds look like sheep," he added, when noticing Connor isn’t going to answer. 

The tips of Connors lips curled up, but it didn’t stop them from replying, "I wasn’t aware there were rules for cloud gazing," in a teasing voice.

"Yeah, well, when they made up the game they didn’t know people with so little imagination existed. They thought it was obvious." Jared tossed back. Connor was about to add on when Evan  
suddenly got up.

"Classes! We-we stayed out for too long! Oh no- we're going to be late and-and we'll get into class when everyone is-is already sitting and they'll stare at us and-and judge us and the teacher would remember that for-forever oh no oh no! We have to run!" he called, already starting to walk back into the building. 

Jared and Connor shared the same look they shared in that car ride. None of them knew what it meant, but there was a mutual understanding there. They both looked away, lacing behind Evan.   
"Is it really alright if I join you tomorrow?" asked Connor. Jared looked them up and down, but said nothing for a while.

"I…" he said, looking like there's something he wanted to say, but instead of saying it, he closed his mouth again to think things out. "Look. I like you, dude. You aren’t half as bad as I thought." He said instead. 

Connor quirked an eyebrow. 

"Is… is it okay to call you dude? Or are you looking at me like that for something else?" he asked, but when Connor's answer didn’t come, he kept going. "Well, anyway, my point is, you're not a bad person. And Evan? He's not a bad person, either." 

Connor snorted at that. They both knew that Evan and Connor were not the same category at all. If Jared didn’t think Connor is a bad person, he must be thinking Evan is a damn angel. They waited for Jared to keep going, but he didn’t. Connor turned to look at him, and they understood.

Jared had a sad, very deep in thought expression. The same face Connor was walking around with for the last week. He thinks he is a bad person. He thinks he doesn’t deserve friends.

"Well that’s bullshit, Kleinman." Said Connor. Jared looked at them. They didn’t add anything beyond that, just looked at Jared as they passed through the doors and up some flights of stairs. At last, they got to Jared's class. 

They stood there awkwardly for a moment, before Jared spoke up. "I think you should join us tomorrow. Definitely." He said, and then gave Connor half a smile, before getting into class.

Connor wondered for so long whether they should get to class or just ditch it, that class was already half over when they decided the problem had solved itself already. I'll just get in next class. They thought as they walked back out to where they just sat with Jared and Evan. They pulled out a cigarette and wondered if they'll ever get used to having to care about other people's emotions.   
They never did before. It felt nice. 

Connor could get so caught up in their own emotions, noticing other people may have the same problem was honestly… refreshing. 

Hmm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there ;) if you got that far you probably hopefully like this fic? maybe? if you do ill be forever grateful that you leave a comment!!


	4. homework and Ghibli (two unknown experiences for Connor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hope ur ready for 2k of fluff and domestic besties bc thats basically this episode.

"So what does this 'doing homework' include?" Connor asks when Evan lets them into the house. 

Jared gave them all a ride, since Connor had no idea where Evan lived, but it seemed like only when they stepped up the porch Connor fully registered the situation.

"Exactly what it sounds like. We take our homework… and do them. I sure hope you didn’t think it was a code for watching porn." Jared said, leading them to Evan's room like he owns the place, while Evan locks the door. And then goes back to the door to make sure he actually locked it. Twice. Just in case.

"I obviously did not think there will be porn or I would not have showed up, Kleinman." Sighs Connor in a bored tone. 

Jared opens the door to Evan's room and drops his bag to the floor, as if it's his room and not Evan's. He barely spares the place a glance before jumping up onto the bed. Connor stays at the door and scans the room carefully. 

It is so different from their own room. 

For starts? Evan's window is fully open. There is a beam of sunlight and soft wind coming through, making the whole room a lighter place. Connor never opened their window once since they moved into their room. 

Evan also had a lot of plants. He had a whole cabinet full of succulents, and cacti, and out on the edge of his window there were really nice flowers. It never even crossed Connor's mind to have plants. They could barely take care of themself, so taking care of a living thing? Out of the question. That being said, Evan seemed to be really good at it. All the plants had really livid colors, and were definitely being taken care of.

The biggest difference Connor spotted, though, was how… not messy the room was. Connor can barely maintain a clean room for a day. They just don’t care enough to put everything in its place. 

But Evan? His room was spotless. His floor was white and shiny, and it made Connor wonder if they even had a floor under the dirty clothes and whatnot lying around. They never saw it, so it might really not be there. The walls were very bare, which felt a little weird, but the bed was full of pillows and fairy lights surrounded both the bed and the desk.   
It was such a nice place.

"Oh! Connor? Do- uh- do you like it?" calls Evan from behind them. Connor turns around to look at them. "not that- um- not that you're supposed to like it- it's not for you I just- uh- I just hope you think it looks nice because you- uh- you didn’t come in and I thought- maybe you think it's too much and it probably is- uh- sorry-" 

"It looks like a great room, Hansen." Connor says, mostly to stop Evan from reeling himself deeper into self-doubt. Evan stops talking and gives them a grateful smile. 

"It is a great room. Why are you both stuck outside?" calls Jared from the bed. 

It is then Connor notices they've been blocking the door. They step inside carefully and decide to drop down on a chair next to the desk. Evan sits down on his bed, next to Jared.

"I've got tons of history homework. You good at history, Murphy?" Jared asks, looking at Connor lazily. Connor ignores him in favour of staring at nothing in particular with an unfocused gaze. "Okay, then. Do you have any history work, Evan?" he says, turning to Evan. 

Evan is already pulling a notebook out of his bag and offers Jared a pencil. "T-think so," he says. 

Connor drops their bag to the floor next to the chair they're sitting on and hug their knees. They are still staring, but their gaze is much sharper as they look at Evan and Jared, trading answers. Neither comments about the piercing stare, so do they work, quoting and writing. From time to time Jared drops a very bad history related joke, ("What kind of tea did the American colonists want?" "Jared- please don’t-" "Liberty.") and looks up to see if it made Connor laugh. It usually didn’t, but from time to time Jared could notice a small smile on their face. Evan, even though he'd never admit it, thinks they're pretty funny as well.

"Don’t you have any homework?" asked Jared after a while. They already moved on from history to math, and Connor has yet to move. "I'm pretty sure everyone has math homework."

Connor shrugged, "I probably do." They said, but didn’t make any movement toward his bag. 

"Well… why won't you do them with us?" asked Jared. Evan looked up from his own notebook, curious. 

"Don’t have them on me. See?" they pulled up their bag and zipped it open, then flipped it and started shaking it, so everything in it fell down. There was a phone, headphones, some pills in a plastic container, a pack of cigarettes, a pack of gum, a few dollars, black nail polish and a lot, like, way too many then it should be healthy in any way, Crumpled bags of food; half of them looking so old it would be fair to guess they were in this bag since last school year and through all of summer vacation. 

Both of them stared in horror as Connor bent down, as if they are planning to get everything back into the bag.

"P-please! Don’t!" called Evan, looking as if only the sight of all the trash was making him sick. "Please- please throw these away!" he says, getting up and walking out of the room, coming back with a trash can. 

Connor empties most of them into the trash, then resumes in picking up the rest. 

"Do you really want that trash in your bag?" calls Jared from the bed. Connor picks up their pack of cigarettes and looks at Jared innocently. 

"I'm an addict, Kleinman. That’s very rude of you." They say. 

"We both know I meant the actual trash you are apparently carrying around with you for no fucking reason." Jared retorted, pointing at the floor, where the rest of the crumpled bags still were.

Connor snorted, and throws the pack into their bag, before throwing the rest of the trash in the can. After they were done, Evan returned the can to the place it originally was. Until he was back, Connor already pushed the rest of his belongings back into the bag.

"I think- I think that’s enough homework- for today." Evan said as he came back in. Jared slammed his notebook shut and forced it back into his bag before jumping off the bed and to Evan. 

"I think you're right! Ghibli time!" he shouted, holding onto Evan as he tried desperately to escape his iron grip. Connor looked at them with a puzzled expression. 

"What- what is it, Connor?" asked Evan, still in Jared's grip. Jared looked at Connor as well, and lowered his arms. 

"Nothing," said Connor, getting up from the chair. "What's Ghibli?" 

"It's- uh-" started Evan,

"What's Ghibli? What's Ghibli?!" roamed Jared, flailing his arms around dramatically.

"Uhh, yeah. That’s what I said," Said Connor with an unimpressed face.

"Jared, it's not- it's not that big of a deal just-" 

"Not that big of a deal?! Do they even have childhood?!" asked Jared dramatically, already marching to the living room. "I'm putting Totoro!" he exclaimed after disappearing behind the corner.

Evan gave Connor an apologetic smile. "I'm-uh- I'm sorry," he said, walking to the bed and fixing his stuff. "Ghibli is a-um- a Japanese movie- uh- company. They have beautiful-beautiful movies, really. I like watching them if- if I'm- uh, um- especially stressed... They are- extremely calming." Evan said, sending nice smiles Connor's way. 

"SOMEBODAY NEEDS TO MAKE POPCORN!" shouted Jared from the other room. Evan didn’t seem to be able to raise his voice enough to answer, so he just nodded to himself silently. Jared didn’t seem to expect a response, since he didn’t repeat himself.

"Do you want to- uh- you don’t have to- you can- uh- wait on the couch but- do you- do you want to make popcorn with me?" Evan asked instead, looking at Connor. Connor nods, and follows Evan silently to the kitchen. They lean on the counter while Evan pulls everything out, and he can feel they are trying to get something out.

"Where are your parents?" they ask eventually. Evan barely bats an eye on that question, which already seems to make Connor less tense.

"My mom is at work. She's not home most of the time, so Jared usually comes over more often than not." He adds nothing other than that, and Connor doesn’t ask anything else, so they just stand in silence for a moment, watching the microwave and listening to the occasional 'pop' of the popcorn.

"IS THE POPCORN READY YET- oh there you are," says Jared as they both enter the living room, each holding a bowl of popcorn. 

Evan puts his bowl on the couch and settles down, where Jared is already sitting with a remote controller in his hand. There is enough space for the three of them on the couch, but Connor settles themself on the floor at the foot of the couch. The other two say nothing.

"Get ready to be cleansed," says Jared before pressing the play button.

Connor wants to tell him that’s one of the stupidest things they heard him say, but a really nice music started playing and they felt themself sinking into the soft animated world on the screen, making them forget what they were about to say.

"So… is there no conflict?" asks Connor halfway through the movie. 

Jared and Evan already finished off their own popcorn, and were now bending down so often to take a refill from Connor's bowl, it was kind of impossible to ignore them. 

"Their mom is sick, didn’t you get that?" answers Jared with a mouth full of popcorn. Evan bents down again and Connor hands away the bowl, sick of the interruption. 

"I mean, yeah, but there's no… big fight, or anything. This shit is so… zen,” they said, staring at the screen. 

"W-well, yeah. That’s Ghibli's charm… I- I guess. Don’t you like the movie?" asks Evan. Connor shrugs. 

"I like it." they say simply. 

None of them says anything else until the end of it, not even Jared, which surprised Connor, because they definitely assumed Jared was the kind of person to talk over movies. 

When the credit rolled down, though, Connor felt as though they woke from a trance.

"Shit, what time is it?" they asked, not expecting a response. They got up and started marching to Evan's room. Walking into the room, they could hear a faint sound coming off their bag.

"Yeah, hello?" said Connor, even though it sounded more like a question. It was Zoe. They put her on speaker as they looked through their phone. 2 missed calls from Zoe, 1 from their mom, and some messages, probably from Zoe, too.

"Where are you? I'm not covering for you if you're high." She said, sounding so incredibly stressed, it made Connor pick back their own unwanted stress, as well. "Did you take the anti-depression pills?" 

"It's cool, you can calm your bitchy ass. Talking about bitchy ass, I need you to drive it over here and pick me up." they answered, trying not to sound too hostile. 

She sighed. "Text me the address," she said, "I'll be there in 20 minutes." 

"okay, bye-"

"And a warning," she interrupted, "mom thinks we need family quality time. She's been looking for you." 

"Just fuck me over," groaned Connor, before hanging up. The door opened quietly behind them and the hallway light spilled into the room. They turned to the door to find Evan standing there.

"Is- uh- is everything alright?" he asked, looking at Connor in worry. 

Connor sent Zoe a text and dropped their phone back into their bag, then started digging for their pills. 

"Yeah. Don’t sweat it, Hansen. Just forgot to take my Very Important Pills, you see," they say, finally grasping and pulling out the plastic container.

The pills were new to them. They never took anti-depressions before, because they didn’t even know they had depression before that week at the hospital. Like, yeah, they were suicidal and constantly sad, but their parents never thought much about it, so Connor thought all the mental illness symptoms were probably really was just their own fuck ups.

After they reached that point of somehow return, Connor met in that hospital so many psychologists and psychiatrists, whom all came to the decision, 'Connor needs more fucking drugs to calm the fuck down, because they're fucking depressed,' all together. This didn’t matter much to Connor, as long as they could get the fuck out of there. They had to pay for those pills themself, too, and would honestly completely forget it was something they needed to take regularly now if Zoe didn’t make sure to drill it into their brain. 

Connor knew what depression meant, of course. They heard the term before, but they didn’t know what it meant for them. How much of them… is actually them? And not their mental illness? When are their thoughts actually theirs and theirs alone? They didn’t tell anyone, but the aspect of having something controlling them from the inside without them knowing if it was real or not was terrifying.

They waved the container in front of Evan's face, pretending like it wasn’t a big deal, and they weren’t really embarrassed about it, but for some reason, that seemed to worry Evan even more. 

"Oh no! I forgot- I had- too!" he said, his eyes darting around the room. "Do you-" he asked, walking into the room and opening a drawer in his desk. "Do you need water?" he asked Connor as He pulled out a plastic pill container similar to Connor's, and closed the drawer. 

Connor stared at the pills in Evan's hand. They didn’t know Evan was taking pills as well, but the more they thought about it, the more it made sense. 

"Yeah," said Connor. Evan was already walking to the kitchen. Connor followed. 

"Usually my mom calls to remind me- but my phone wasn’t next to me- It is pretty late, it really slipped my mind…" 

Jared is already in the kitchen when they walk in, and he seems to figure out the situation pretty fast. Connor isn’t sure if it's due to the pills they are holding, or Evan's never ending rambling. 

"I'll get you water." He says, walking around so confidently you could think he lives there. 

Evan sits down, messing with the lid. Connor keeps standing and screws their lid open carefully. 

"I need to go." They inform the other two. 

Jared hands them a cup full of water. They take a pill and swallow it down. Evan mimics them a second later.

"Right now?" Jared asks. Evan looks down at his pills.

"My sister's picking me up." they say, screwing the lid back on and putting their own pills on the table.

"Oh." They both say. Jared loudly and Evan weakly, making it sound as though Jared has an echo.

It was silent for a moment. Connor wasn’t sure whether or not it was the right time for them to go and pick up their bag from Evan's room. 

"Did you enjoy- the- uh- us- I mean- the movie?" asks Evan, looking up from the pills to Connor. 

A loud car horn was heard from outside. Evan jumped in his sit. 

"I did." says Connor, before running off to Evan's room. They walk back to the kitchen, where both Evan and Jared had apparently decided to see them to the door. 

'Do you do this all the time?' And 'can I join in next time, too?' Were standing just on the tip of their tongue, but they said nothing, Just followed the two to the front door in silence. 

There was a second car horn. Connor opened the door.

"Next time, bring your actual homework, will you, Murphy?" said Jared. When Connor turned to look at him, they found him smirking. Evan was smiling at them as well.

"Maybe I will," Answered Connor, in a much softer voice than they ever heard themself use before. They could also feel a small smile crippling onto their face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter starts right were this one ended! i might update faster bc of that.


	5. monopoly and late night texting

They walked to the car, trying to school their expression. It didn’t seem to work.

"What is this? Are you… happy? I wasn’t aware it was an emotion you were programmed to have." said Zoe sarcastically as they entered.

"Fuck off." Connor said, looking out the window to avoid her preying stare.

"Either way," she said, starting the car and driving away from Evan's house, "I'm not going to come here to take you anymore. We're literally 5 minutes from home."

"Who says I'll be there again?" scoffed Connor. She said nothing, but since Connor didn’t look at her, the silence had many interpretations. "What should I expect at home?" they asked as a way to fill Zoe's lack of answer.

She sighed. "Mom thinks all of our problems are because 'we aren’t spending enough time as a family'" she said, her voice full of disgust.

They groaned. "This is going to be the longest night in my life," they said, pinching their brows. "Fuck." They added after a moment.

The silence continued until they got home. Zoe parked the car and killed the engine, then got out of the car and closed the door gently. Connor tried not to slam it, as well, but they were always worse in expressing anger without hurting something in the process.

Zoe unlocked the door, and Connor followed her in, already dreading their own existence.

"Connor, sweetie, you're home!" welcomed Cynthia as they entered. Zoe grumbled her way into the kitchen as Connor took a turn towards the stairs. "You should put your bag in your room and come back down, alright?" called Cynthia after them. Connor rolled their eyes and said nothing.

When they entered the room, a wave of heavy smoke scented air flooded them. They turned on the lights and threw their bag onto their bed, before slumping into a nearby chair. It was already occupied by clothes Connor was too lazy to put in the closet, but they didn’t care.

Now, when Connor had some other room to compare their own with, it was almost claustrophobic for them in there. Even though the light were on, it felt so unnatural and hot and where did all the breathable air go was it always this suffocating in here-

There was a ping sound coming from their bag, but they ignored it, instead getting up and walking to the window, opening the blinds, and then the window itself. There was no a wind, but the room immediately felt much more bearable, for some reason. The heavy air was slowly draining out, and Connor could breathe again.

"Connor, ARE YOU COMING?" called Zoe from downstairs. Connor ignored her in favour of taking their phone out of their bag.

Unknown: u home already?

It was Jared. Connor knew that because that number has already sent them several messages. They were just petty and lazy, and so never bothered to save it.

Connor: yeah

Unknown: I'm still at Evans.

Unknown: we're watching beauty and the beast

Unknown: hey there u r

Unknown: *sent picture*

Connor: that’s the beast

Unknown: sure is.

Unknown: can u see it?

Unknown: bc of all the hair

Connor: doesn’t he get like

Connor: super hot and human at the end?

Unknown: I mean yea if that’s your preference

Unknown: Evan is mad I'm not paying attention to the movie

Unknown: he's asking if ur ok

Connor: I'm not

Connor: my mom wants us to play some board game or something

Unknown: sounds fun

Unknown: Evan just pointed out most teens don’t like hanging with their fams and so that it is not necessarily fun

"CONNOR!" called Zoe again. They groaned and pocketed their phone, before slamming their door open and walking down the stairs as slowly as they could

"Finally. Let's just do it and move on with our lives," Said Zoe as they walked into the living room. Connor felt their phone ding in their pocket and grabbed it without pulling it out.

All their family was sitting around the table that’s in the living room. On the table, Connor could recognise a very familiar, very long board game.

They sat down and pulled out their phone.

Unknown: we can keep you company

Unknown: technologized company

Connor: sure

Unknown: u can keep us updated on the game

Unknown: wait what game r u playing?

Connor: monopoly

Unknown: monopoly???

Unknown: holy shit

Unknown: pick the top hatydgljdlo

Unknown: no pick the ship

Unknown: I'm sorry that was Evan u should definitely take the top hat

Connor: I'm picking the car

Connor: obviously

Unknown: u have zero (0) class

Unknown: ok that’s enough I'm opening a group chat for all three of us

Connor: what's enough?

"Connor, please, we are trying to bond as a family. Put the phone away," said Cynthia, motioning for the phone in Connor's hands.

"I don’t want to be here anyway. Don’t give me conditions." Snapped Connor, grabbing their phone even harder.

"Don’t talk like that to your mother; she wants the best for you." Roamed Larry.

"Please. The only reason this family isn’t falling apart is because we never spend time in the same room. You are clearly setting up a ground for a disaster." said Connor, opening their phone again and ignoring whatever their parents were about to say.

Connor and Hansen joined the group chat

renamed the chat 'top hat is clearly the most superior piece in monopoly'

Hansen: this name is way too long Jared

Connor: aren’t you two in the same room?

Unknown: Evan felt left out

Hansen: shut up Jared

Connor: what about the beauty and the beast?

Unknown: it's not like we don’t know how it ends anyway

Unknown: so r u winning?

Connor: we haven’t started yet

Hansen: don’t let us stop you

Hansen: just

Hansen: were here

Hansen: in case u want to

Connor: yep

"Let's just get this over with." Said Connor, grabbing the car piece and money from the box.

Monopoly is one of the most boring, most tiring, most long and most useless game of them all, but Connor had to admit, talking to Evan and Jared made it… bearable. They did nothing to actively try to win, and spent most their time in prison or in vacation, since then they could text without anyone commenting about it. When they landed on a good spot that both Jared and Evan approved, they bought it, mostly to inconvenience everyone else.

Larry won, of course, being the truest capitalist of them all, but Connor could honestly not care less. They didn’t even help putting anything in place, just got up and left, still texting.

At some point during the game, Jared got back to his own home, and Evan's mom came back from work. Or, so they both reported. It didn’t stop any of them from texting into the night, enjoying each other's company, even if not presence.

When they said goodbye, Connor had fallen asleep faster and more at peace then they had in years.


	6. they ditchin!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is connor/jared centric. but evan plays a big role. just??? read it.

From then on, Connor tried to spend as much of their breaks with Evan and Jared as they could. That choice meant they didn’t have enough time to smoke a lot, but they refused to let any of their bad habits slip into their time together, even though both Evan and Jared both insisted they didn’t care. Instead, they preferred sitting on a bench, or laying on the ground, listening to Evan as he tried thinking about cool facts he knew that weren’t about trees.

(And there's this frog- uh- no, never-mind- I- I swear I know other things!")

Connor still preferred to stay mostly silent, but it was lacking the hostility it had when they only started to spend time with the two. Their silence now was calmer, much more at peace with the situation. They didn’t feel as out of place.

They also kept texting. Frequently. Not late at night as much as during classes and after school, though, despite the fact that all three of them had insomnia pretty often. (Something they all somehow kept secret from each other.)

Connor found it was much easier for them to express themself in texting form, for some reason. It felt much safer, and a little less real. Like their self while texting and their self while talking were separate dimensions, which lived parallel to each other, but never interacted. 

It took Connor a few times spending their day at Evan's house, staring at Jared and Evan working, to grasp the whole homework making thing, (They neither had notebooks nor knew how to use them properly) But both Evan and Jared were extremely eager to help out, which meant Connor could see them more, so that was fine. (The teachers faces as they handed in the works they gave the class was priceless, so there's that, too.) 

That also meant they got to watch more Ghibli movies together. Both Evan and Jared were completely determined to make sure Connor watched every single Ghibli movie that exists, and Connor had no complaints, considering how amazing it was watching those movies, more so with Evan and Jared around. 

Connor somehow climbed their way from movie to movie up the couch, so now, watching a movie usually meant the three of them, on the couch, (Jared in the middle, since Evan still had his cast, which neutralized one of his sides, and Connor preferred to sway away from touch,) sharing two bowls of popcorn. 

Jared had also made it his mission to remind both Evan and Connor about their pills in time, after realising how forgetful they were when it came to the matter. He never missed. Connor found themself extremely grateful about that, since their pills were nothing other than an inconvenience before, but now were related with a feeling of… care, and being cared about. Connor found it… really nice. 

It was one chilly morning. Definitely fall, at that point, which Connor thanked for, since now their long sleeved shirt was blending perfectly into the sea of layers and layers of clothing. 

"Get out. I'm going to park the car," said Zoe, unlocking their door. Connor got out, and closed the door before walking away, not sparing a glance at the car as it drove away.

They walked up the corridor and stopped just in front of an open locker. They waited patiently until Jared finished unloading all his stuff and shutting the locker close before saying: "Where's Hansen?" with a casual tone. 

Jared startled and then swatted at one of Connor's arms angrily, which hurt Connor much more than it should have if they didn’t have these stupidly inconveniencing scars. Not that they were going to tell Jared about that.

"Fucker," called Jared angrily. Connor shrugged, resisting rubbing their arm to not make it look like they were in pain. "He won't come today, he got…" Jared looked around suspiciously, "a thing." He said eventually in a suspicious voice. 

"What is this really about, Kleinman?" asked Connor in apathy.

"Class is starting, bye!" said Jared, walking away and into a nearby classroom. 

It was clearly something dumb, tried Connor to convince themself, but there was a tiny prick of worry burning inside their chest.

Connor: Evan r u ok?

They sat down in their chair at the back row, and stared at their phone. 

One minute passed. Three. Five. The teacher entered the class, and Connor needed to hide their phone under the table. 

Halfway through the class, Evan saw the massage. He still hadn’t answered, though. 

The bell ringed. Connor checked their phone again. Nothing. 

"Alright, Kleinman, what's going on?" asked Connor, blocking Jared's view. 

"Did you try asking Evan instead? You know, being the one you're looking for and all." Jared answered angrily, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

Connor sat down next to him on the bench and pulled out their phone again.

Hansen: I don’t feel really well

Hansen: stomach ache

"He says he has a stomach ache" informs Connor. 

"Well, there you have it." answers Jared offhandedly, looking off into the distance.

"I'm not stupid. If it was just a stomach ache you wouldn’t act so weird about it," accused Connor, before texting back,

Connor: is it bad? 

Hansen: it is

Connor: I hope you'll be better soon

Hansen: thanks:) 

Jared shrugged casually and bit his sandwich again. Connor decided to let it drop, since they didn’t like other people shoving heads in their business, but the tiny worried prick in their chest refused to fade.   
It was about half an hour later when Evan sent another text. Connor was just about to get into class when they felt their phone buzzing in their pocket.

Hansen: ok I lied

Hansen: I mean I didn’t 

Hansen: it just wasn’t everything

Hansen: I'm 

Hansen: bleeding

Connor stopped right in the frame of the door. The worry in their chest grew wilder.

Connor: bleeding?

Hansen: I'm not hurt or anything!

Hansen: it's just

Hansen: blood

Connor: I don’t think I get it

Hansen: please don’t make me admit it

Connor: admit?

Hansen: u told me about you so it would seem unfair but this is really embarrassing

Connor looked around. It felt a bit empty to go into class, so they decided against it. They turned around and walked away, leaving the building and looking for a quiet place to smoke in. they could feel their phone buzz in their hands.

Hansen: it’s a monthly thing

Hansen: I'm bleeding

Hansen: and it's not going to end soon

Understanding downed on them. They pulled out a cigarette and lit it, then took a long breath before texting back

Connor: oh

They didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t a big deal as much as it was a surprise. The worry in their chest loosened up. They hoped that answer isn’t freaking Evan out, but they couldn’t think of anything else, since they didn’t know how that affects anything. 

Their finger was hovering over the keyboard when another message popped up.

Hansen: is this too much?

Hansen: I'm sorry

Connor: no

Connor: Hansen 

Connor: thanks for telling me

Connor: doesn’t change a whole lot tho

Hansen: it doesn’t?

Connor: u know it doesn’t

Hansen: oh

They didn’t even finish their cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stepping on it. It wasn’t warm outside, but a wave of warmth swept over them that moment. All that was important was that Evan was okay. He wasn’t in any danger. Connor slide down the wall they were leaning on and pressed the back of their head to the cold bricks.

Connor: so you have cramps?

Hansen: yes :(

Hansen: it is absolutely completely terrible 

Connor: can I help you? 

Connor: do u want me to come over?

Hansen: no! 

Hansen: nonono

Connor: well

Connor: will u come tomorrow?

Hansen: think so

Hansen: donno

Connor: I'll see you when I see you then

Hansen: guess you will :P

Connor wandered whether or not should they tell Evan about the way Jared protected him. They decided not to, but they did wait for Jared next to his locker at the end of class. 

"You have to stop doing that," said Jared as he turned around the corner, only to find himself crashing into Connor.

"Doing what?" asked Connor, moving aside so Jared could reach for his locker.

"Lurking next to my locker," said Jared angrily, pulling at the code and yanking the door open. “You know,” he added, “like a creep.”

Connor ignored the last sentence, instead waiting patiently for Jared to figure out what books he did or didn’t need. 

Jared sighed. "Were you looking for me?" he asked, trying to sound bored.

"Obviously I wasn’t here to stare at your locker, wasn’t I?" they retorted.

"Well?" asked Jared, slamming the locker shut.

"You really care about Hansen, don’t you?" asked Connor, staring as Jared's face got flushed. 

"His mom and my mom are friends, I don’t have a choice," he replied, shrugging and looking away awkwardly.

"So you’ve told Hansen many times, but I don’t buy it. You care about him. You want his company. Why would you lie?" asked Connor, scanning Jared carefully as he scratched the back of his head, not looking directly at Connor.

"… Look- I don’t owe you- it's not-" he took in a deep breath, and then sighed it out. "Dammit." He said, looked at Connor, then at the hallway. "Want to skip the rest of the day with me?" he asked, opening his bag and fishing out the keys for his car. 

"Yes." 

They walked to the car in silence, and Connor took the front seat. It was their first time, since Evan usually took that spot, and it gave them a weird feeling. They couldn’t quite describe it.

"I guess Evan told you, then?" asked Jared as he started up the engine. 

Connor nodded. "You two really made a big deal out of nothing there, but I like the unity. I wonder if Evan knows how good you keep his secrets," they said, raising an eyebrow. 

Jared flicked his eyes towards them. "I know him from years before he came out. This is not being a good friend, this is basic human decency." He said, staring harshly at the road. 

"But you do care about him." Teased Connor.

"You got me there." Answered Jared sarcastically.

"Maybe even appreciate him as your friend?" they added.

"maybe." He said, focusing completely on the road.

"Can I go even farther and assume you like him?" Connor asked. They could just barely feel the car hiccup after that as Jared momentarily floored his gas pedal. 

"Fuck off, Murphy. You don’t know shit about me." Said Jared. 

"I'm trying to," said Connor. 

They left it there. Connor looked outside their window, realising they didn’t know where Jared was taking them, while Jared focused on the road. They were both still definitely thinking about it.

After a while, Connor noticed the amount of trees in the view from their window was getting gradually bigger. 

Evan would like this place, was a thought that crossed Connors mind as Jared deviated into a smaller road, and parked the car. By then, the view out of Connor's window was mostly trees.

"Evan showed me this place." Said Jared, as if reading Connor's thoughts. 

Connor looked around at the trees, and then at Jared. Jared was looking out of the windshield, his face softer then it was last time Connor looked at it. Then, he glanced at Connor, and got out of the car. Connor followed. They walked silently deeper and deeper into the woods, and Connor could feel the wind blowing gently through the trees. They wondered why Jared took them to a place that was his and Evan's. 

They stopped at a clearing. Jared looked around for a moment before taking a sit on the ground, and mentioned Connor to follow him.

"I don’t like nature," said Jared after Connor sat down beside him. Connor looked at him in confusion. "I don’t. There are bugs and you can get hurt by fucking branches and stuff. Its bullshit," he continued, looking all around them. Connor kept their eyes on Jared. "But Evan showed me this place, maybe one- two years ago? We drove here when I first got my license," He continued. "And… it became special to me. Not because of the forest, of course, because, as I said, I hate nature," he took a deep breath, "Evan made it special. He can make anyone feel special." 

Connor looked away from Jared, since it felt like a moment they couldn’t share. When they did look again, though, Jared was looking at them. And there was that look again, that mutual understanding. And Connor realised two things.

"You get it, don’t you?" asked Jared. 

Connor nodded. There was something between them at that moment, and neither dared to look away. Connor searched for words, but there were none. They scooted closer. 

"I…" they said, and there was nothing else they could think about, so they didn’t add anything else. They just leaned in, and kissed him. 

It wasn’t a big deal, really. Marely a peck, but Connor's heart was beating like crazy when they pulled away. It was the most vivid emotion they felt in a long time. The most alive they felt in years. 

Jared looked a bit surprised. His face was flushed again, and one of his hands was reaching for his lips. 

"Oh," he said.

Connor thought about apologizing, but there was nothing they were sorry about. "Don't let it go into your head," they warned him instead. Jared looked at them in confusion, but nodded. 

Connor looked at Jared one last time, as if to make sure the message got across, then lied down on the ground. 

"This cloud looks like a sheep." They said, pointing at no cloud in particular. 

"For fucks sake Murphy."

 

Connor realised two things: 

One- both they and Jared had a crush on Evan.

Two- they might just like Jared as well.


	7. Evan gets his cast off and other stuff

Evan felt like a huge mess. He was bleeding, and confused, and he just wished everything would stop because… because he could barely handle it.

He didn’t go to school the day after he told Connor about himself, or the day after that, since his stomach hurt so bad, and his mom won't let him wear his binder on his period. It was hell.

"Are you sure you can stay home on your own three days in a row?" asked Heidi. She was asking it more and more often as the days passed, worried for her son's both physical and mental health.

"I-I'll be fine, mom." Smiled Evan back, squeezing a pillow to his stomach, as it was his only weapon against his cursed anatomy.

Heidi looked at him, before pulling out her phone. "I'm calling a day off. I feel like the worst mom in the world."

"No! Mom, its- it's fine!" he called, but she was already gone into the hallway.

"I'll get you tea! Do you want a pill?- oh, hey, I'm calling to ask a day off of work…"

The next time she came back, it was with a cup of tea and a few cookies. She stayed in the frame of the door for a moment, before murmuring "pills…" and running back to the kitchen, to get some pain killers. She came back with a pill, but put it on the desk instead of handing it over. "You need to eat first." She said.

Evan nodded and took a sip from the tea, burning his tongue while he did so. He settled on dipping his cookie into the tea, waiting for it to cool down. Looking up, he found his mom was still there, looking at him in worry.

"I haven’t got the chance to ask you how are you lately," she said, stepping carefully closer to him. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" She asked softly, sitting at the edge of his bed.

He shrugged, trying to think about something interesting to say.

"Well, you look much happier. Did something happen? Are the letters you write helping you?" she asks, scanning his face.

He can feel his cheeks warm up, but he doesn’t know why. He bites into his cookie as he thinks.

"I met- I talked- uh- there's this person in my school, and- uh-" he takes another sip out of the tea, because he prefers to burn his mouth then to keep talking.

"You have a crush on someone?" she asked excitedly. Evan almost chokes on his tea.

"No! We're- we're friends! Oh my god- mom- how did you even-" he panics, blushing to the tips of his ears. He obviously does not have a crush on Connor.

"I'm sorry!" she laughs. "Alright, tell me more, then!" she says.  
Evan clams himself down, knowing that if he'll start to talk while flustered, it would not end well, and even then, he wished he hadn’t said about 90% of what he just said the moment it left his mouth.

His mom smiled but didn’t say a word, she just kept on listening. She rubbed his good arm with her hand and smiled at him warmly.

"This is great, Evan. I'm so happy to hear you found new friends." She said. He nodded awkwardly, still wishing he hasn't told so much to his mom. "I'll have to meet them, then. How did you say they were called?"

"Connor murphy,"

"They sound like a lovely person." She said. He smiled at her, and moved aside a little, so she could sit next to him. It was very long ago when he actually got to talk to his mom. He forgot she actually did know how to listen.

"Are you going to tell them you like them, then?" she asks, making his face go red again.

"Mom!" he exclaims.

"I'm sorry! You just seem to like them a lot." She says defensively while laughing, "then again, you haven’t told Jared anything, and you know each other for years."

"Mom!?" he says again, getting even redder.

"You are a very expressive child, Evan. There's nothing you need to be ashamed of." She says, pulling him closer to her.

"I don’t- what are you- I don’t like- either of them- mom!" his brain was going into an overdrive already. Did he? How could she possibly know?

"Well, I'm not going to interfere with stuff you don’t want me to, but if you ever do tell them, keep me in the loop, won't you? We can invite them both to dinner sometime…"

"I get it mom, thank you for the tea and the cookies, I'm going to sleep now." He said, embarrassed.

She got up and gave him the pill and a cup of water. "Sleep well sweetie," she said, before kissing his forehead and leaving the room.

He didn’t exactly get as much sleep as he could, but he did know that whatever his mom said, he is going to prove her wrong.

Yup.

~~~

The next time the three of them met at Evan's house, Connor couldn’t help but to be worried. They kissed Jared, and in an indirect way, told him they like Evan, which meant Jared held all the cards. They barely talked the whole time Evan didn’t show up, though, which means meeting the other two that afternoon was going to be a big deal.

For Connor, at least.

Whatever Jared does, though, they promised themself in front of the mirror in the empty bathroom on the second floor, I can't make things awkward.

But it wasn’t Jared who made things awkward. Nor it was Connor. Surprisingly, it was Evan.

"Isn’t-isn't today a nice day?" he asked as he hopped into the front sit that afternoon. Connor was already in the car, having a very not awkward conversation with Jared.

"I mean… it sure is almost winter." Said Jared, not looking at neither of them.

"it is, isn’t it- wow- Such a great day- An amazing day to do homework- with my best friends- whom I like- as friends- uh- yeah- we are best friends- right?" he asked, looking at Jared's profile.

"Don’t go that far, Evan. We're friends." Said Jared nonchalantly. Connor rolled their eyes.

"We are, Evan. Obviously." They said, making Evan turn to look at them. He sends them a small smile which Connor finds blinding.

"That's great- this is great-" he said, then stayed silent for the rest of the ride.

There was just something different about him. Like he is hiding something. A concept that was absolutely terrifying, since that when you had a secret you were hiding from someone specific, everything they did made you feel guilty.

Connor could barely focus on their homework because of that. They were reading, but all that filled their head was he knows. He has no way to find out but he definitely knows. How did he find out? Oh fuck. They looked up, only to find Evan staring at them already. His face was soft, but he looked a little confused. F u c k.

They got nothing done a few hours later, as Jared got up and dusted himself off, claiming he would die if he had to sit on the cold ass floor one more second. He then urged both Connor and Evan to take their pills as he put on a movie.

They did, but before they could all sit down on the couch, there was a sound of keys jingling from the front door.

"Oh!" called Evan, staring as his mom's head popped into the living room with a warm smile. "Mom! You're back early!" he exclaimed.

She walked in and stole some popcorn from the bawl in Evan's lap, "I had a morning shift, so I could come back early." She turned to look at Jared, and put a hand on his shoulder.

He smiled at her. "Hey Ms. Hansen,"

"Jared! I haven’t seen you in so long." She said happily. "How are your mothers?"

"Okay, I guess. I'll tell them you said hey." He said a bit awkwardly.

She turns to Connor, and looks them up and down. Connor feels extremely nervous under her stare, for some reason. "And you must be Connor," she says eventually. Connor nods. "Evan told all about you." She gives them her hand for a shake, and Connor takes it, even if a bit wearily. "You do have a nice hair." She pointed out. Connor could feel themself blush, but they were definitely not as red as Evan.

"Thanks a lot, mom- please-"

"Don’t let me stop you three, alright? Evan, remember we need to go take off your cast soon." She said, before ruffling Evan's hair and leaving the room.

"Your mom seems nice," points out Connor, thinking about their own mom.

"She's-" he stops and stares at the TV. "Yeah. She is."

"She's also creepily observant. You should watch out." Said Jared, before pressing play.

~~~

Connor could never tell this to anyone, but sometimes, at night, everything feels like too much to deal with. Thoughts swirl inside their head, and they think about meeting Evan and Jared the next day as a chore, like it's exhausting, and unnecessary. That everything is. That maybe they should stop pretending like they could ever be a good person. A good friend.

It haunts them until they finally fall asleep, already dreading the next day ahead of them, only to find all the toxic thoughts disappear the moment they meet either Evan or Jared again, or even just see one of them sending a 'good morning'. (Evan would always add smileys to his. 'Good morning Connor :)'.) Connor appreciates them more and more every passing day. They don’t know for sure which of those feelings are real, and it hurts.

On the bright side, Connor seems to be learning so much new things about the two of them each passing day.

On the down side, the more time they spend together, the more Connor finds the things they do endearing, and the weirder Connor's feelings get.

For example, every morning, on the break, Evan walks to the computer lab, to write his letter. Connor tags along sometimes, because they have nothing better to do between classes, and walks around the room, or spins on the chairs, or recolours their nails to busy themself as Evan sits down, (always at the second computer from the right,) and writes whatever he needs to write.

Connor doesn’t prey on the letters anymore, but every day, they notice Evan edits less and less of the letter out to replace what he has written with something else.

Or, from time to time, Connor finds themself talking with Jared, alone, while texting or just while Evan is too busy for both of them, and Jared tells them something about himself. About his and Evan's friendship, or about his family, or just about his random existential thoughts, and Connor wants to tell Jared things, as well. They want to tell him about their thoughts and feelings, but they can't. Jared never pushes them.

And sometimes, they are in Evan's house, and Connor looks at the two of them scattered around the floor next to them, so they could all fit in one space instead of the 'two people on the bed and one next to the desk' scenario, and they feel… weird. They feel warm from the inside, like a warm wind spreading from their heart to the tips of their whole being, and they wander how they can explain it in words.

It feels like belonging, is the closest they can make it. It feels like home.

~~~

“Do you need a ride, then?” Connor hears Jared ask as they join the two from behind.

“A ride where?” Asks Connor, pocketing a pack of cigarets.

“Connor!” Exclaims Evan. Connor can't help but feel flattered by such profound fondness being directed towards them.

“Evan is going to the hospital to get his cast off,” fills in jared.

“my mom works there,” Evan adds, even though Connor knew that already. “She’d love seeing you again,” he says, and it sounds as though he’d rather she didn’t.

“Was that an invitation?” Asks Connor, confused. Evan shrugs.

“I mean, jared is- jared is coming without an invitation, so- so clearly anyone that wants to joins can do that.” Evan says, and it has just enough sarcasm to not sound like he’s being bitter. A talent of his, if you’d ask Connor. They can almost never keep the sarcasm out of their voice.

“Rude. Im your ride.” Points out jared. Evan shots him a smile.

“I mean, its not like I’ve got better things to do,” shrugs Connor, even though what they are actually thinking is ‘everywhere is better then home,’ something they aren't planing on saying out loud in front of the two.

they all cram into jared’s car, Connor in the back again, listening to jared’s talking about his last class and the asshole who dared reminding the teacher she gave then an assignment due for today.

“and he just looked like the most innocent little shit in the world,” he said angrily, staring at the red light intently. “like, he was clearly aware of what a horrible thing he was doing, but I swear he had that smile Evan has when he’s not listening,” he directed the last part toward Evan, whom was staring down at his cast, looking miles away.

“huh? What?” Asks Evan, looking up in confusion.

Connor snorted fondly and put a comforting hand on jared’s shoulder, a gesture new to both of them. they leaned in slowly and put on a sweet smile, “i can kill him for you,” they offered Kindly. They could see the corner of jared’s mouth curling up, which was more then a win for them.

Jared parked the car at the far (far far) part of the parking lot, and dimmed the engine. “out!” He commanded with a big motion of his hand, ignoring both of the other’s complaints.

“that one is very much empty,” pointed Connor as the walked through the parking lot.

“not when we saw it at first,” surged jared, clearly lying.

“so is this one, and that one over there- you’re a real asshole, aren’t you Kleinman?” Continued Connor, pointing at many open spots in the fairly empty parking lot. Jared’s smile only grew.

“oh well,” he shrugged again.

Evan, on the other hand, was- well, not in an uncharacteristic way, yet still a bit worringly quiet.

“Evan. Evan?” Tried Connor.

Evan was looking at the ground and didn't seem to even hear his name was even being called. He was also going in the wrong direction. Which happened to be the direction of a light pole.

“Evan!” Called jared. Evan was a few inches from the pole when Connor grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the way.

Evan jumped in surprise and stoned in his place. He looked at his surroundings; first at the pole, then at jared, who was sending a worried look his way, then Connor’s hand, then their face. There was that look again on his face. That confused, soft look, like he hadn’t expected other people to be there with him.

“sorry,” he said in a small, confused voice.

“you're supposed to say thank you, but… lets just get to the hospital, alright?” Said jared, still looking at Evan carefully.

Connor let’s go of Evan’s hand awkwardly, wondering why was that look so familiar to him.

As soon as they walked in, though, Evan wears a shy smile as he always does.

A few nurses smiled to him warmly, one even ruffled his hair and pointed at the room his mom was at the moment.

“hey mom,” said Evan as the three walked into the room, finding Heidi talking to a doctor.

Heidi turned to look at her son, and her smile grew as she found his companions at his sides.

“hi honey! Ready to get rid of this cast?” She asked with a smile.

Evan looked down at his cast; completely white but the single sigh Connor wrote on the first day of school. It seemed like forever ago.

“yeah,” he smiled back her.

The doctor shooed the other two and Heidi out of the room, and closed the door behind her and Evan.

Heidi sat down in the waiting chair, and after a moment the other two joined her.

“i’m glad you’re here with him,” she said. Connor nodded in embarrassment. Jared looked away. “did he tell you how he got hurt?” She asked silently. They swept a look but said nothing. A few moments passed in silence. “come over for dinner?” She offered suddenly.

“i’d love to, ms. Hansen.” Said jared with a small voice. Connor nodded along.

Then there was silence.

The door opened, and out walked Evan, smiling brighter then before and flexing his finally healed arm.

“congrats Evan!” Called Heidi, getting up with a smile and wrapping him with a tight hug. She let go and held him by the shoulders. “look at you! Go home and rest. Go celebrate. Just don’t eat without me!” and then. With a kiss on the cheek, she was gone.

“uhhh- what?” Evan asked, turning to look at his friends.

“your mom invited us for dinner.” Explained Connor. Evan immediately gets flushed in red.

“oh no,” he murmurs.

“yeah.” Jared laughs. “the good new are that i’m going to be nice for the rest of today, yaknow, to show my support.”

“thats something that I’d love to see,” said Connor with a sarcastic smile.

“hey, Murphy?” Said jared, “kindly fuck off?”

Connor started laughing, and jared joined in. Evan was looking at them both, as if he had just realised something very important. That made them both quiet down in worry. Connor’s immediate thought was, of course, does he know what we did? and looking at jared, they knew he was asking himself the very same thing.

“let's just go,” said jared after a somewhat awkward silence. they both nodded and started their unnecessarily long walk back to the car.

~~~

They were watching Kiki’s delivery's service when Heidi walked in.

“hello kids! Evan? Could you give me a hand?” She called from the front door.

“mom!” Evan parked, almost falling from the couch in his hurry to get up. 

Jared followed him up and paused the movie.

“i bought food to make home dinner!” Said Heidi as she passed through theliving room to get to the kitchen. Evan followed behind, holding bags in both hands.

“are you sure you should hold that much when you just got that arm back?” Asked Connor, concerned. 

Jared was already on his way to take some bags away from Evan, who thanked him awkwardly and shook his hand as soon as it was free.

“…no,” he replied sheepishly, before following jared and his mother to the kitchen.

Connor got up and followed as well, more because of the awkwardness of being alone in a house that isn’t yours then any real want to help. 

“is there anything someone would like me to make?” Heidi asked Kindly, her and the boys unloading all the groceries to their places.

After a number of damnedest later, she set them all back to the living room, insisting- probably rightfully- that they would be more of a distraction then help. 

Evan unpaused the movie and cuddled back in the middle of the couch between Connor and jared. neither of them seemed to mind in the least.

The ending song was playing as Heidi called Evan again, this time, to prepare the table.

“exciting, isn’t it? She asked as Evan pulled four plates out. “haven't done this in a while.” Jared was taking out the forks while Connor helped Evan set the table.

It all felt so… domestic. Connor ate family dinners with their family once in a few weeks, not out of their own will, of course. It was another one of their mother's crazy ideas about “family bonding” and what not.

This, though? This was different. Everyone around the table was smiling, sharing stories and laughing. No tension in the air at all, only warmness, settling in Connor’s stomach along with Heidi’s… okay food. Honestly, It wasn't the best. but it didn’t matter. Connor never had a better dinner in their whole life.

Sitting around that table… Connor found themself wishing they would have more dinners like this with jared and Evan. _Real_ dinners. 


	8. last chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's starts angsty and gets better i promise.   
> this chapter was supposed to be a two part but there was no way to divide it so have a double sized finale!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning!!! panic attack and mentions of suicide

"We need to talk." Larry was waiting for them as the opened the door and got inside. It was amazing how fast you can put your defences up after hearing four words.

Connor followed Larry into the kitchen, where Cynthia and Zoe were sitting. They quieted down as they entered the kitchen, but Zoe sent Connor an apologising stare.

"Our bills came this morning," said Larry, sitting down next to Cynthia. Connor bit back a sarcastic comment. "It was quite normal, except for this weird demand for money from the hospital. I don’t remember going to the hospital for a long time now. Do you?" he asked, turning to look at Cynthia. She shook her head. "Interesting."

"Get to the fucking point," murmured Connor. 

"What was that, boy? To get to the point? Here's the point: What were you doing in the hospital?" Larry asked.

Connor didn’t even know how to start addressing the whole sentence. "I don’t know what you're talking about." They ended up saying.

"Oh no, you don’t get to say that. It has to be you." Said Larry angrily. 

"You, you can tell us, Connor. We can help. Did you overdose?" asked Cynthia. She looked genuinely worried, but Connor found it only pissed them more. Of course that was what they thought. They barely noticed they were gone, but now? Oh now they want to know. 

"I didn’t." they said coldly. 

"Why didn’t you tell us to come over? We could’ve helped you through this. Why didn’t you talk to us about this?" she asked, distressed. It was infuriating.

"I did tell you something was wrong. You ignored it. Don’t drop your shitty parenthood on my actions." They said. They turned around and headed for their room. They were already done with the conversation. 

Larry, apparently, was not. He got up and slammed his hands on the table, making Connor turn back. "All you teens think you're special! Well guess what- you aren’t! Everyone has been through this. Don’t make a drama out of nothing!" 

And something snapped.

"You don’t know shit about me! Are you kidding me?!" they yelled. 

"I carried you in my womb for 9 months! I know you better then you know yourself!" said Cynthia. 

"Oh, do you? Let's put this to the test, shall we?" 

"Connor…" tried Zoe, talking for the first time, but they were so angry, so wrapped up, there was no stopping them.

"Hey, did you know I'm not your son? I'm not a fucking boy! What does your womb has to say about this?!" they yelled. 

Zoe stared at him in surprise. Larry's face clenched into itself in anger, but he couldn’t add anything, since Connor was far from being done. 

"Or! Maybe the fact that I have fucking depression! The kind you need medication for!"

"Now that’s bullshit!" called Larry. Cynthia was staring at them in horror. 

"Is it? Are you surprised I'm suicidal? That I'm fucking mental? You know who knows better than you? The doctors who gave me pills after I tried to fucking kill myself!"

The room freeze in a terrified silence, three people, holding their breaths, and one, too upset to know when to stop.

"Oh, wait, but you didn’t know that either, didn’t you? Not about the pills, not about the suicide, not about any single thing that is happening in my fucking life!" they screamed. 

No one else talked. No one else moved. And so Connor, now that their point was proven, had one thing to do. 

"There you fucking go. Fuck you." They said, before walking away, up into their room.

Connor has never been this upset in their entire life. They never felt so frustrated, so infuriated, so trapped in this house, in this mind of theirs, so broken and malfunctioning. It was all closing in, caging them down, they couldn’t breathe. 

There was a knock on the door. 

"FUCK! OFF!" They screamed. Their head was ringing. They recalled months ago, that feeling they felt as they cut themselves off, so alone and empty and desperate to. Get. Out. 

They fell to the floor, since they couldn’t find a reason to stand up straight. 

And then, just like before, Zoe was there. 

"Fuck, Connor, can you hear me? Can you take deep breaths? Focus on me, did you take your pills today?" she wasn’t shaking him, but she was clearly shaking herself. She was trying so hard to keep her cool, and Connor found themself flout back into function, and sucked in a breath. "Thank god," she said, before demonstrating them how to breathe, slow, deep breaths, until Connor could feel they were back in their body. 

If she was trying to keep them alive so hard, they must mean something, don’t they?

She did it. She put them in bed, she gave them their pills, and she stayed there to make sure they were still breathing. 

"Why?" they asked. She looked at them in confusion. "Why do you care about me?" they elaborated. 

She sighed. "I don’t know." She said. She stared at them for a moment, and it looked as though she was on the verge of tears. "Sometimes," she said, still looking Connor dead in the eyes, "sometimes I wonder if I'd miss you, if you were dead. If I wouldn't even care, since other than siblings… we don’t really care about each other, don’t we?" 

Connor stared back at her as tears started falling down her cheeks. 

"I never thanked you," They said, "for saving me. Mostly because I didn’t want to be saved but," they could feel their own eyes starting to burn, but the fought it back, since they knew they were holding on the tears for so long, that if they'd leave their eyes, they'd never stop. "I shouldn’t thank you. I should probably say I'm sorry. You deserve a better then to deal with my bullshit with me," they said. 

Zoe didn’t answer to that. 

"I should tell you how much I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Zoe. I'm a shitty person. I'm a horrible sibling. I just- is there any way I can fix this?" they scanned her face as she thought. There were two streams down her face, but she wasn’t crying anymore. 

"Can we- can't we just stick together?" she asked, "talk, from time to time? Be there, so things won't get this extreme, next time?"

Connor nodded. It sounded good. It sounded like what their relationship should've been in first place. They stayed silent for a while, before Zoe spoke up again.

"About you not being a boy," she said. 

"That is a thing," they said back.

"What are you, then?" she asked. 

They shrugged. "Nothing. Something else. Doesn’t matter much." they hesitated. "Do you want to watch a Ghibli movie with me?" they added, pointing at their computer. 

"Is it like Ponyo?" she asked, getting up and taking the computer. 

"Yeah, we can watch Ponyo." They said, clearing a room next to them on the bed.

They watched it silently, just appreciating each other's company. After the movie ended, Zoe got up and bid Connor goodnight before leaving for her own room, but Connor did not go to sleep. They couldn’t. They watched another movie, then another, and another. 

It was very late, (or, very early,) when Connor realized they aren’t going to sleep soon. They closed their laptop and started walking around the room, to get themself to calm down. 

Usually, when something happens, Connor shuts everything out, and over-analyzes everything, probably with the help of a drug of some sort, to deal with everything they feel. They did it countless times before. 

But something was different now. Right now, they… they didn’t want to be alone. They wanted someone. Someones. Very specific someones. It was terrifying.

It was very early, though. And a school day. They were both asleep, probably. 

Connor walked around some more, trying to make the feelings go away. It only made it worse. There was a hole in their stomach, and they knew it wouldn’t be filled until they'd hear their voices. 

Fuck this. Thought Connor, grabbing their phone. Fuck everything. 

They kept walking around, their phone pressed to their ear. One ring. Two. Three. Four. Five-

"Hello?" said a very grumpy voice. Connor immediately felt relief. 

"Jared, hi-" 

"Connor? Its-" there were random sounds as he looked for a clock- "it's fucking early." He settled on eventually.

"I know." They said. 

Jared seemed to be waiting for them to keep going. "Well? Why did you call?" he asked after a moment of silence. 

"Do you want to skip school with me today?" asked Connor, knowing fully well this was not Jared meant.

"What the- why are you calling so early?" Jared asked. 

Connor weighed their answers carefully for a moment, before ignoring their better judgment and saying: "didn't sleep all night. Did I tell you I tried to kill myself?"

That defiantly woke Jared up. "You- what? Are you okay?!" 

"Not now, Jared, calm down, it was months ago. Please skip school with me today?" they said.

They could hear more background noise from Jared's side. "I'll be under your house in ten minutes tops. I'm bringing coffee. We are going to talk about it when I can see shapes clearly," Jared said. 

"Put your glasses on, then. I'm calling Evan. See you in ten, I guess." Connor said, before hanging up. 

They started walking around the room again, but now, they had a purpose. They needed to get ready before Jared gets there, and call Evan. They were putting on pants when he finally answered. 

"Uhh, hello?" said Evan's sleepy voice from the other side of the line. 

"Evan, skip school with me today," they were trying to put on their shirt without separating their phone from their ears, which proved to be quite difficult. 

"Connor?" Evan already sounded worried and wide awake. "You- you never call. Is something- is something wrong?"

Connor ignored that question. "Evan, you knew from the start, didn’t you?" they asked. 

Evan was silent for a moment. "What- uh- what- what do you mean?" he asked insecurely.

"When you asked if we could be friends, you kept looking at my arms. Why?" they asked, trying to find their comb. 

"Uhh- um- well-" stalled Evan. 

"It was after I was gone for a while. You were worried something happened to me. You knew. How did you know, Evan?" They looked out the window. Jared's car was there. "Skip school with me, Evan. Me and Jared are coming to pick you up right now." 

Evan didn’t say anything, but it sounded as though he was moving around. Connor hanged up. They took everything they thought they should, and ran as quietly as they could down the stairs to the front door, and into Jared car. They took the passenger seat. Jared handed them a cup of coffee.

"Thanks. We gotta go pick Evan. I'm sorry I woke you both up," they said between sips of coffee. Jared shrugged, but it was clear he was very tense. 

Evan was waiting for them at the front of his house, holding a cup of hot chocolate. ("Coffee makes my anxiety worse" he said once.) He got into the back seat with no complains, and Jared started driving again.

"So… where are we going?" asked Jared. Connor shrugged, sipping from their coffee, and Evan fidgeted in his place.

"We could- uh- I know- no- I mean- I have somewhere we should go." he said, looking at his cup. He looked a little sick. Jared nodded.

It was awfully quiet that drive, mostly from Evan's direction, who has barely said a thing at all except directing Jared from time to time.

The sun has just reached beyond the horizon when they reached… wherever it was Evan brought them. It was a very big field, surrounded by trees of all kinds. It was… kind of charming. 

"Alright- that’s- that’s that," said Evan, looking even more sick then he did at when he got into the car. He was scratching his hand, the one that used to be in a cast.

"Is… everything okay?" asked Connor. 

Evan tried to smile, but it came out extremely nervous. "I- uh- worked here for the summer- it's really nice here- umm- I thought it would be a great place to- talk." He said. Connor noticed the skin he was scratching was getting a bit red.

They walked down the field. At last, they sat down at the shade of a tree. All of them felt out of place there, for different reasons, and this may or may not have made the conversation they all knew they were supposed to have much harder to begin.

"Fine!" said Evan eventually. Connor and Jared turned to look at him in surprise.

"Fine?" asked Jared. 

"Connor- I- you asked how did I know- I- I didn’t- Not for sure- I just guessed- and I hoped I guessed wrong-" he straggled to get the words out, but no one pushed him. 

Jared looked between the other two, as if there was a piece he was missing. 

"Well- It was just- the long sleeves- and you didn’t show up for so long and-" he looked down at his hand. He was scratching it so hard Connor was afraid he was going to bleed. "And you had that lonely look on your face only-" he looked up at the tree they were sitting under- "only people that- that tried death. Do you- is it-" Connor only then noticed Evan was crying. 

"Evan?" asked Jared in worry. Evan looked at him, and the tears flew down his face even faster.

"I- I lied-" he sobbed, "I lied to both of you- and to my mom- and to everyone- I'm s-s-so-sorry," he said, burring his face in his hands.

Connor and Jared exchanged surprised looks. Neither of them expected that conversation to go that way. 

"What do you mean, Evan? It's- it's okay." Said Jared, looking like he doesn’t know quite what to do.

"it-it's not! I'm-I'm sorry I l-lied" he sobbed. 

Jared hesitated for a moment, before wrapping his arms around Evan. Evan startled for a moment, but realizing what happened, he leaned deeper into the hug. 

"Calm down Evan, it's okay," said Connor as softly as they could.

It took a few minutes of Incomprehensible crying, but Evan eventually got it out.

"I didn’t fall- I didn’t fall out of that tree- I told everyone I fell- but I let go- I wasn’t high enough- no one found me-" and then he started crying even harder. 

"Fuck, Evan," whispered Connor. They looked at the other two, and scooted closer to them, still not quite touching. 

"It's better, though, isn't it? You're alive. And Connor is still alive. And we're all friends now, aren’t we?" asked Jared, trying to cheer Evan up. 

"Yeah…" replied Evan, sniffling. 

"And it would never happen again, since neither me nor Connor are going to leave you alone with a broken arm at the bottom of a tree, aren’t we, Connor?" asked Jared. 

Evan looked at Connor with big red eyes as they nodded seriously. "I'd never. I swear. I..." they drifted off, wondering whether or not should they say it. "I… I didn't have a reason to live for until we became friends." They admitted. 

The other two stared at them for a moment. Jared shook out of it first.

"You can't casually say shit like this!" he said angrily, but he looked really sad as he said that. 

"I'm sorry. I didn’t mean it in a creepy way, I really… I was very lonely before we started being friends and-" they looked at Evan, "you were right." they said. Evan smiled. 

"Come here," he said, opening his arms. 

Connor looked at them for a moment, before awkwardly getting into Evans range. 

"Why did you call so early?" asked Jared, and it was right then when everything broke out of them.

They told them about the night they tried to die, and about Zoe, then about their time in the hospital and about how they found out the hole in their chest and the voices in their head didn’t belong to them after all, and about their failing relationship with their parents, and about yesterday's fight, and about how Ghibli movies are good, but not the same when you watch them alone. 

They were crying, something they don’t remember actually doing for a while, but it didn’t deter them.

"Fuck, Connor," said Jared when they were done. 

Connor snorted, because that was the only correct response to that. 

"Well, since we're all for 'sharing is caring' right now, and you two look pretty chill with talking about death, I have a confession to make." Said Jared, giving Connor a meaningful stare. 

Connor immediately knew what was about to come. "This has nothing to do with death," they pointed out, even though their heart did skip a beat.

"Believe me, I'm dying-" said Jared, trying to keep his cool. 

"I'm sensing a pun- and therefore I am- I'm stopping you. Before it gets too far. What- what is it, Jared?" interrupted Evan. 

He got a bit farther away. Connor barely noticed they were all sitting basically in each other's laps until that moment.

"I… damn this is embarrassing to get out…" he rubbed the back of his neck consciously, looking away to the field. 

Evan looked confused. "I'm- am I missing something?" he asked, holding Connor closer in a protective way. Connor found it extremely comfortable, which made them extremely guilty.

"I… we-" he pointed between him and Connor, but can't seem to end the sentence. 

"I… uh… I kissed Jared?" they said awkwardly, both them and Jared blushing red. It was, after all, the first time any of them addressed this out loud.

"You- you did?" asked Evan, surprised. Connor hoped he isn’t mad at them.

"Right after we established we both like you." Supplied Jared. 

"You- you do?" Asked Evan again, blushing as well.

"Yeah, which made everything so damn confusing." Said Jared, looking at Connor as if they owe him an explanation, which, okay, they probably did. 

"I like you." They told Jared simply. He fumed. 

"You said you liked Evan!" he accused. 

"I realized I like both of you." They answered.

"Oh, fuck, Connor! Do you know how much sleeping time I wasted staying awake to figure out if you actually like me or not?" said Jared angrily, and then blushed furiously when realizing what he had just said.

Connor just shrugged. "I thought I made it obvious," they said awkwardly.

"You said not to think about it!" exclaimed Jared, looking shocked.

"You are such a loaf head, Jared." Answered Connor fondly.

Evan was watching them both sorting it out in silence until then, but now he spoke up. "can you- can we- if you could make this clear for a second," he said, making them both turn to him. "Who do you like?" he asked Jared.

Jared looked really nervous, but answered anyway. "You. As in, both of you. It's… kind of fucked up, because you're my friends, and who's stupid enough to fall for two people who don’t like you back? But…" he didn’t dare looking at them. 

"O-okay-" continued Evan, now with bright red cheeks, "Connor?" 

"Uh, yeah. I like you. Both." Said Connor, not sure what to say. They didn’t believe Jared liked them back. They and Jared were looking at each other. 

Now it is only Evan that hasn’t said anything, but he was grinning like a kid who got a huge candy.

"Wait. Waitwait- Are you kidding me?" asked Jared, turning to stare at the two of them. 

Connor looked really sheepish.

"It was eating me alive! I- it was so weird- what are does feeling? Is this platonic? Where- where is that urge to kiss both of them coming from t-then? That’s-that’s what you get- when you barely have friends though-" said Evan. 

They all stared. One second. Two. Three seconds passed in silence. 

Neither of them was sure who laughed the first, but they found that none of them could stop. 

It was suddenly the best day in Connor’s life. Well, they were very tired, and it suddenly weighted down on then that they haven’t slept the whole night, and that their parents are probably going to… disown them, or something, but, well, that was yesterday, and right now? The were in the arms of two of their favourite people in the whole world, laughing like the entire universe is at their fingertips. 

The sun was way- way higher then it was when they had arrived there. Connor was leaning against the tree trunk they were sitting under, playing with jared’s hair, who head was lying at their lap. Evan was leaning on Connor’s shoulder, and Connor had a tiny suspicion that he was fast asleep.

They reached into their pocket mindlessly as it started ringing. It was from Zoe. They would usually ignore it, but after last night? They’d never ignore her ever again, probably. 

“i’m ditching. Sorry sis.” They said as soon as the picked up the call. Evan stirred next to them.

“but your perfect attendance score,” she deadpanned. 

They snorted fondly. “i have boyfriends now,” they said, passing their hand through jared’s hair.

“whore,” she laughed. “you never stop surprising don’t you?” She asks, a fond in her voice.

“I'm just being honest! Thats what you asked for!” They answered. 

she laughed. “i take it that you're better?” She asked, suddenly sincere.

Connor was quiet for a second.”I'm the best.” They answered. 

“okay. Im glad. Well, I am going to class, unlike some… so I’ll hang up now.” And the call dropped.

“we should go buy something to eat,” declared Connor suddenly. 

Jared opened one eye and raised a brow in question. As if on cue, Evan’s stomach growled and he shifted awake. 

“it’s settled, then.” Clapped Connor, making sure both of the others get up before they can move.

They get into the car, and drive away from the fields, refusing to look back. they all look so much more relived then when they came here. They feel so, too. 

Jared pull up in an ice cream shop. No- not an ice cream shop. The ice cream shop. The very same one the went on their first time getting to know each other. It felt like the right place to drop at for some breakfast. 

They walked in and stood in front of the counter. Connor would've been completely clueless about the girl’s identity, if she didn't look at them so intensely, and if jared hadn't elbowed their side. 

Connor was halfway through his order when he remembered the girl. It was the cashier that gave them her number. Yicks. 

“would you like a cup or a cone?” She asked kindly, her eyes not leaving Connor’s face.

“cone, of course!” exclaimed jared. Connor knew what that tone meant.

“actually, I want a cup,” they smirked. The could feel jared preparations for the lecture he’s about to give them once the ice cream is ready.

The girl nodded and made their ice cream in silence. When she handed them all over Connor thanked her and lead them to the edge of the shop. there was an awkward second where they went for a booth, but none of them wanted to be the one sitting opposite to the other two, and they couldn't fit in one side, and so- extremely embarrassed- they settled for a round table.

“what do you mean a cup?!” Called jared as soon as they sat down. Connor shrugged.

“not a fan of cones. Bad shape,” they answered, licking their ice cream.

“a bad- oh Murphy, fuck you to hell.” Jared said, but the fondness was drowning the bite from his voice. 

“it’s- it’s not that big of a deal, jared,” said Evan, still smiling like the sun. Connor doesn't think they’ed ever seen him smiling this much for this long.

“not- Evan. Evan! Evan, my childhood friend of at least 8 years! Evan, my brilliant companion! I expected this kind of jackassery from Murphy-“

“hey!” interjected Connor.

“-but you?”

Evan, just shrugged, too happy to actually look done with jared this time.

~~~

The ice cream was all eaten up, but jared was yet to be done.

“a cone is more food!” He said. “i just bought more food at the same price as you did!” He continues.

Connor groaned. “i’m sorry, okay jared? Holy shit you will not let it go.” They weren't regretting about getting him riled up, since they found an enthusiastic jared one of the best wonders life could offer them, but they definitely did not expect him to be this… opinionated about it.

Evan was just splayed across the table, still terribly tired and finding nothing exciting about the conversation around him. 

Jared hesitated for a moment before combing his fingers through Evan’s hair. 

“i’ll go pay,” said Connor. 

Evan sighed in content and jared gave him a happy smile. 

Everything felt so fucking sappy. What the fuck. 

The girl wasn't next to the counter anymore. Now it was a skinny kid, probably a year younger then them. 

“h-hello?” Asked the boy. Connor took out their money and handed the guy a few bills. The boy nodded to himself nervously as he took the money. He gave them back the change, and Connor was so close to leaving without another awkward encounter when the boy coughed.

“yeah?” The asked. The boy seemed to have bitten his own tongue.

“can i-“ he squeaked, and Connor immediately thought of Evan that day he asked them to be his friend. “can I have your number?” He finally spat out.

Connor gave him a sympathetic smile. “did your coworker asked you to?” They asked. The kid shrunk.

“she said you're probably gay, because-“ and then he stopped, which was a good idea, since assuming anything about anyone is a very bad idea. especially if you're wrong.

“i’m already taken.” Said Connor, trying to keep their voice calm.

“oh,” said the boy, sounding disappointed.

“better luck next time,” said Connor sarcastically, before turning around and singling the two to join them on their way out.

“did you just get asked out again?” Asked jared as soon as the were in the car. 

Evan didn't wait a second before laying down in the back and falling to sleep again. 

Connor shrugged. There was nothing they could say. 

“and here I thought I was special,” sighed jared dramatically. 

Connor laughed. “you are,” they replied. They could see the genuine smile spreading on his face,

“am I special too?” murmured Evan from the back.

“yeah,” they both replied. 

“mmm… k…” said Evan, already closing his eyes again.

Connor and jared laughed, their voices overlaying the radio, and Connor’s heart with so much happiness, they wander if this is why they were sad for so long. If they were keeping all their happiness and love for this moment. 

Connor wasn't alone. Evan wasn't alone either. Nor was jared. They found each other. they found love, and trust ,and family, and Connor knew that as long as they have each other, they will never be alone again.

 

-FIN-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this fic!!! comments are very very VERY APPRECIATED


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